Today was a day

You ever have a day that absolutely takes the wind out of your sails?

Where you're riding on the crest of a wave, but forgot that waves also crash? 😅

I wasn't going to share because I'm not perfect, or polished, or high energy ... because I didn't want to negatively impact you or your day.

But that would mean that I don't believe in your power or your ability to hold your center, and that's not true.
 
I'm also being reminded that it's in darkness where seeds grow. 🌿

So here I am moving through density and feeling a little heart broken knowing that future me will be so grateful for my willingness to walk this path.

I mentioned my beautiful and wise friend, Lisa McConnell, who is a Kinesiologist, Healer, Channel, and Witch who leads EnergiaHealth. Check her out because she's SO magical!

P.S. Before I left the office, a saw a tiny sliver of a rainbow beneath my work computer. It felt like a little loving nod from spirit letting me know I'm headed in the right direction. 

Transcript

 Hello, hello. I thought about not sharing today because today has been a day in very weird, bizarre ways, but I thought, well, how can I lead with integrity on my own channel if I cannot allow the density and the darkness of what I'm moving through to be seen? And this is what I teach people. Oh, it's five, five, five.

Ooh, that's changed, baby. Um,  That was a really long um,  but I thought if I don't share this I mean what a disservice to the shadows and the the darkness and the things that live within you because  Again, like even though I just dropped one yesterday an episode about integrating your darkness Of course, then I would be given an opportunity to do so within myself, because while spiritual awakening and being a human is not always sunshine and rainbows, I will say that without the contrast of the storm, how, how would we see the vibrancy of the rainbow, you know, like, it's in those dark times where the light is so much brighter, and it's within us to find our own light, through density.

So to give a little backstory,  you know, um, if you've been in my life for a while, you know that I was full time in my business for two years and I loved it. I, I was so grateful every day. I loved getting to  Love people in ways that my gifts, you know, could really make an impact, you know, like the, like I really got to help people in beautiful ways, but I wasn't fully aligned with my calling and my purpose, and I had to, had to, I was invited back into corporate, which I didn't want to do.

I, when I gave my resignation in 2021,  for my last corporate job,  which almost damn near sent me into adrenal fatigue. Like, I had my charts read, I worked with a doctor, and she was like, Ashley, you're like a battery that can't charge. And that was me. I, at that time in the end when I was building everything and trying to get it to a place where I had a safety net in my bank account so I could do it and make the leap and feel really good about it because I'm not the type of person to just leap without a plan.

I can't do that. Uh, I know other people can thrive doing that because their little feet are put to the fire, but that is not me. You know, that is not me, okay? So I saved up enough and so I went into it thinking like, okay, I have recurring clients and I have the spaciousness and, and,  The problem also is that I wasn't sleeping  and it took me an hour to two hours to fall asleep every night.

I would wake up in the middle of the night. Basically again, like I couldn't recharge. I wasn't getting enough sleep even though I was moving and meditating and drinking water and doing work that fulfilled me. I still wasn't clear. I had a lot of brain fog. Because I wasn't, you know, resting. But I also treated myself like a corporate employee and worked eight plus hours a day, Monday through Friday, Monday through Saturday.

I did, I just really took myself to the brink. And so I understand why I was invited  back into corporate. Because a beautiful thing about corporate is that it offers you  structure, it offers you The ability to, you know, have recurring stable income, you know, even though that's what's told to us. It's also not true because how many times have people been at companies for 20, 30 years and they get laid off and they're blindsided by it and  it's part of their identity is being part of this company and it's what they know that that schedule in their work and they know where they fit in that company. 

So when that changes, it's a shock to the system.  So while they preach stability, like, everyone is replaceable, truly. I mean, even, you know, the CEO is replaceable because in our capitalistic society what matters most is profit over people, even though people can tell you whatever they want. They can have these values and all this stuff, but at the end of the day, no one No one really matters in corporate because it's a system and they,  they need robots to do things and stuff.

Granted, not all places are like that. I understand that. I'm grounded in that perspective. But  I, I've started noticing for the past six months a shift where I'm feeling extremely restless because I want to do so much more with my life. I want to I want to live more of my life. I want to play. I want to rest.

I want to read. I want to create. I want to learn. I want to do all these things. But you only have so much time after a full day to actually live your life and it fucking makes me so fucking mad.  Whew. Um. Again, this is the darkness and this matters because the pain and the rage and the suffering and all these things are messengers bringing information and showing me specifically parts of myself that are pleading to be heard and to be seen. 

But I can't stand that our society just accepts this because safety and stability matters more even though if we could learn how to work with each other and to support each other and to care about each other, we will figure it out without these systems that chain us to ways of being that do not support humanity as a whole. 

So, for the past six months I've been feeling this call to more.  To, to so much more, and to alignment, you know, and to doing more work, that fills me up, and part of the problem with working a full time job is, yes, I can build my business and continue to grow it on the side, but it is absolutely exhausting and taxing, and I love holding one on one sessions with people because of the depth that we go to.

And also, I don't have the energy after being on a computer for eight plus hours a day. I just, it's so, it's like, I'm not going to not bring my best, but I can't bring my best when I'm tired. And people have tried to tell me, it's going to give you so much energy. And I'm like, you don't understand. If you know anything about human design, I am a projector, granted, like that's.

That's a system too and I'm not tied to any systems but when I learned what a projector is and you can if you're new to human design you can look up human design and it's You need to know your birth time and location and all this stuff and it helps you See which energy archetype that you have and then it helps you start to  Let go of the conditioning that we all have around being one specific type of energy and only one type of energy is valuable and productive and everyone has to be that type of way and if they're not, you're lazy or whatever.

For me, I'm a projector and I am meant to guide. And I meant to see into people and into systems and to help make things more efficient and to help people, you know, step into their mastery, into their gifts, into their unique soul expression so that they can bring that to the world because we are all perfect, unique puzzle pieces that fit into the larger whole and we cannot be anyone outside of ourselves because that's not how puzzles work.

You know? Like, puzzles are whole and complete just as we are. Just as each piece is pivotal to the whole. And so,  part of being a projector is I'm meant to work like four hours a day. And it's meant to be fu all of the work that we're doing should be fulfilling no matter what. Like, and I know not everyone agrees with that.

I've had people battle me on it. I don't give a fuck. Honestly, I don't care. If you want to work and toil away in a job that doesn't bring you joy and it, it's like, maybe you have other purposes. Purr pie. I don't know.  I get it. People want to be a mom or they want to do these things. They just want to do a job and go home, but I actually don't want that for people.

I want a life that is totally, holistically fulfilling. One where people go and they play and they, they get to be with each other and they get to live more than they work and they get to experience what it means to be aligned with their soul and their heart and to follow their passions and their inspirations and all of these things, and I'm in a system right now that does not, or kind of does, support that. 

So I've been feeling restless and frustrated, but the restlessness means that my soul is calling me to more. That it knows that I'm meant to be. Beyond this system. And so I've been waiting, right? I've been surrendering to the flow of the universe to allow it to potentially bring me opportunities and things that are,  are aligned for me, because every time I go and I look for part time jobs, I  I can't stand it.

I can't, I can't stand how taxing and draining it is to look at these surface level positions or these things and being like, I don't want to do any of this shit. I don't want to do it. I don't care about it. I don't like, they could have all the benefits in the world. And it's like, so what? The work is still not.

Align to me and then I go back and forth and feel extremely bitter because I'm like source You gave me these gifts Why can't I use them in a way that is both fulfilling for me and my client and my life? you know what I mean like That bitterness has been in the back of my mind, right? And so the more that I focus on that and get frustrated with it and you know, I candidly have been so mad at God for the past almost two years of being in this corporate role and I also understand why I'm here.

Like I get it. I have understood the lessons. I understand. I see things more clearly, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating  or confronting or challenging.  So I've noticed for the past two weeks that I haven't been able to sleep through the night I have been waking up in the middle of the night multiple times.

I've been getting super hot. I Struggle to fall asleep, and I'm I'm tired man Like I'm losing the joy and the things that I found outside of insightful actually I'm not gonna lie insightful is the wind but in my sails what I was gonna say beneath my wings It's my wings and my sails. It's both I Getting to do this and to share in this way, it's like,  and people are listening, like, you're listening to me right now.

And I am like, damn. Okay. It's this. This is it. Like, this feels so good. It feels like an expression and a pouring out from my soul in a way that is so fulfilling. In a way that doesn't drain me at all unlike so many other things that I have done or do, you know, to try and like make a name for myself, to try and have people hear me.

And the more I try to have people hear me, They don't. And then I get bitter and I'm like, what the shit is this, man? Like I know what I'm talking about. I walk with integrity and experience and I, I have this insatiable thirst for wisdom and knowledge and I sit with myself and I contemplate my shit so that I can  be able to see it, integrate it, and share from a place of embodied wisdom.

And then I'm like, but Why am I ahead of my time? Why don't people want to hear about this stuff? Which is why I started Insightful, because I'm like, you know what? I actually know that there are very specific people who will get what they need from me through this channel. So, thank you for listening to me and also holding space for me, because it means the world.

Like, it means the whole world to me that you're here listening. I can't tell you how important the messages are from you to me, like, they mean so much because I feel like we're in this together then, like, you and I are holding hands and we're walking this pathway and it's like, okay, you know what, like, we've got this, we're in this together.

And doing this also is a reflection of me being like, trust your Trust your damn voice, girl! Like, good God, you have it for a reason!  So, I just take us on little tangents, like a little joyful tangents, a little dark tangents. Mmm, you're welcome.  Today was a confronting day for me because I've stopped looking for part time roles, and I'm like, you know what?

I'm in this position right now, full time, for a very specific reason, even though I'm frustrated with it. I can see the good. I can focus on the magical. I love my co workers. I love the camaraderie that I have. I love some of the things. Very few things. One of them is that I'm focused and I get to be a leader of this community within the company called the Mental Health and Wellness Business Resource Group.

And it's basically a community of employees who are passionate or it's another resource to help them, you know, find the balance they need to work in a system that doesn't really allow humans to thrive or just me. But I know I'm not the only one, you know, you know, okay.  I chose to step in to be the community lead Because I needed something that would help fuel my heart and to help me feel like I'm making a meaningful impact Outside of doing this job, which is just a job.

Okay, and and They're so lucky to have me. I cannot even tell you like they are so I'm fucking lucky to have my wisdom and my expertise, and yet I can't really bring the fullness of who I am there. And I think that's kind of funny.  So I'm part of this community that helps me feel like I'm impactful.  And so I had this idea because I've had multiple healers and channelers and myself, I know this.

Like, I know what I'm, what I'm meant to do. I know how I can help change my life but I've been practicing on surrendering and trying to find the balance of following my inspiration versus surrendering to source.  So I had this idea that maybe what I do is I pitch part time to them because I love that.

Like, I love my co workers. I love my team. I like some of the work. You know? And so I pitch it, and I  My boss is my friend and I love her to death, forever and always. And It's tricky being friends with your boss  because  you have the job and you have your friendship And if she ever listens to this, you know that I love you forever and always truly I'm so lucky to have you in my life. 

So I pitched it and Basically, my workload is so expanded and our team has so much going on and we're only getting more and more and they're trying to justify headcount and all this stuff trying to get a new person in and hopefully, you know, but everyone is exhausted And part of it, if you think about it, is we're not supposed to work Monday through Friday.

We're not supposed to work eight plus hours a day. We're not supposed to only have two days off. Why do you think people always feel so frickin refreshed after three days? Why do you think that is? It's because you need a full day to decompress, right? Like, weekends are the time when you also have to do all your errands and shit.

Like, what are we doing? Come on! God! Ugh! We live for two days out of the week, man! Like, what is that? Or maybe it's just me. Again, not everyone lives my life. I get it. But I'm, I know a few people who do this.  So I pitch part time. And she, as, she's so wonderful. She's like, I'm going to advocate for you and I'm going to do this and I understand, right?

And she comes back to me and is like, the way to keep your benefits is to go from 40 hours to 30 hours. And I'm sitting here like, that's still full time.  That's still full time and it pisses me off. It makes me so angry that the way to get health benefits Which are also so fucking expensive in america So stupidly expensive because we care about profit more than we care about people and I can't stand that shit  I can't stand it that it's like modern day slavery.

You're probably not i'm probably not supposed to say that If you leave and never want to listen to me again for that, I totally understand. I get it. I'm gonna say things that are not politically correct or perfect, but like fuck man I work this job to make sure that if my teeth, which are an additional fee, making sure I don't have like Cavities, or you know, losing them, or infections, or how my eyes are also an additional fee, even though I need them for my job in my life.

Like, I'm gonna pay extra to have vision insurance? Why? Oh my god! And then you pay these premiums and all this stuff that it's like, but why? Why? Why?  So then I'm like, well, okay, you know what, focusing on things that I want to expand in, focusing my energy, my attention on the good, the beautiful, the wonderful, the magical.

I'm like, Ooh, you know what? Great. Okay. I can work with 30 hours. I can work with 30 hours because I think that I can get all my things done that I need to without giving anyone else on my team extra work. And I think that's wonderful. So I set. I tried to set up a few scheduling options, which she asked me to do, which is amazing.

And I sent them and she looks at them and she's like, I can't do it this way. I can't have you work such few hours. Like, okay, this actually to be candid, I set it up where I would front load my work 8 to 4 30 Monday through Wednesday, and then I would work 8 to 11 Thursday and Friday.  To me, I'm like, you know what, the thought of this schedule specifically makes me feel more empowered, makes me feel free, makes me feel like I'm going to be able to keep a pulse on everything as we go, makes me feel like I'm contributing every day, which, you know, is helpful for people so that they don't lose their jobs or that I overwhelm people with my workload and things. 

But you said, like, it can't be that way. And she's going to advocate for me, but it can't be that way. And so then I'm like, I don't want to work 8 3 is basically a full time job. Like, I want to have time to, to rest.  I want to rest,  you know? Like,  I really want that.  I want to do work that I love.  I want to do work that feels impactful and meaningful.

And sometimes it feels like, why can't I do that?  Why can't I do that? Because I love people.  And I get so frustrated that it's like I understand  being in like as an Aquarius rising I meant to be in places where I can disrupt systems and to help revolutionize and make things more efficient But it's really hard when you don't have a voice, you know Like it's really hard. 

So today it was it was difficult because I have I had so much energy. I felt alive again I felt like empowered. I felt like i've got this I and then it's like well, you know 30 hours is considered full time and i'm like why isn't everyone told that 30 hours is considered full time and not 40? Why are we making people work 40 hours a week when they could be like living their life?

You know, they could be with their families. They could be in nature. They could be creating art. They could be Doing such beautiful things in the world, but systems are put into place to shackle you in ways so that you don't find freedom and you don't find expression and you don't feel vibrant and healthy.

Isn't that stupid?  Doesn't that make you mad?  Because I think that we, we're worthy of living beautiful lives. We're worthy of connecting with our souls, you know?  Oh,  oh, I'm not gonna edit that out. That's great.  Okay, vulnerability is fine. 

I had like, I go back and forth in my brain of like,  Wanting to present myself in a certain way so that people see me as an authority because I understand that when your subconscious mind Knows that someone is an authority they'll listen and when they listen, they're more open to healing They're more open to working with you in ways so that they can heal themselves But then I also struggle because I'm a human and I don't feel heard in very large aspects of my life Which is again when I started insightful and which is why it means so much to me that you listen You know, like you don't have to be here and yet you are and it means so much to me  But i'm frustrated at these systems and I know they're gonna change, you know I know they're gonna change and I know that I get to start it, but I also triggered my boss today and I know why she She told me basically like this.

My request is at the worst time and she has so much going on in her life I know and I can see everything for what it is, but i'm like at what point?  At what point do I decide to choose me and do I decide, you know, like at what point because one of the reasons I've been so afraid of leaving this job.

I've been so afraid of leaving the salary and the benefits and all that because last time I was a failure in my business, you know, because I had to go back to corporate.  And I know I'm not a failure. I know that everything is divine and orchestrated, but like my human is so  Exhausted.  So I hope and I pray and I follow my inspirations and I know everything is gonna happen perfectly.

Like, can you hear that back and forth? It's just like both parts of me, you know, like the human and the soul. It's like the knowing and the, the part of me that's like, but I'm also  struggling in this way and it's not like I want anyone to pity me. I'm just trying to showcase like your darkness needs to be heard because there's things that it's trying to tell you and it's important, right?

Like all of this is important.  So I asked for that and it didn't, it wasn't panned out in the way that I was hoping and the thought of looking for jobs is crushing like I, I have zero energy to do that shit because I hate it. I hate how they're like you need to fill this out and you need to write a specific cover letter and you need to do it in these ways and then sometimes they don't even get back to you or you could be overqualified or you could be a perfect match for it and you don't hear shit and it's like because they have so many people because they need jobs they have all these resumes coming in and it's just like  Oh, God, it's a game, man.

It's the stupidest game,  and it works.  It works because we're afraid.  It works because we let money be our god. Because we bow down to something that we gave value and meaning to.  And you can't leave a system yet?  Because the new one hasn't been put in place, right? Like the quantum financial system is in the works of happening But there are things that have to shift in order for us to have that happen And there's a level of consciousness that we have to have in order to be able to accept that and bring that into our lives Right because we have to think outside of this box.

We have to think outside of our cages We have to be able to do that. But what's happening right now at least in America is what? Like, we're being bombarded with information from this new administration and they're trying to make you become apathetic. They're trying to make you believe you have no power.

They're trying to overwhelm you so that you don't follow your heart, so that you don't make moves, so that you don't cause chaos and speak your truth, and so that you don't  become revolutionaries of your own life, you know? Like, this is it's on purpose. It's on purpose that we're so distracted that we can't help but doomscroll.

The fact that that's even a thought or having rage bedtime procrastination or whatever that is, like  The fact that people can't help but stay glued to their screens instead of going to bed, which is what they need because they only have so much time in their life to actually live for themselves, you know, while also taking care of all their responsibilities and living in an economy where everything is getting more expensive, and that people have to work two plus jobs in order to feed their families, like, what the fuck are we doing? 

And, I know that all of this has to be seen, all of it has to be purged, like I was telling my friend Lisa. It's like, oh my god, everything,  everything is so loud right now. Everything is so loud because you have to see it. It's like, you know, not that anyone wants to hear this, but when you're vomiting, it's not a pleasant experience, but it's because you have to get it out.

You have to, it's not a pleasant experience. It sucks. It hurts. It's the worst. It's like, why? I hate this. And then, you get it out, and you're like, okay. All right. You know what? Even though I don't feel totally balanced and I don't feel strong, I got out what I needed to because our internal systems are perfect. 

Our heart beats by itself. We breathe in air so that we can continue to live. You know, like, you're not thinking about your kidneys, and the job that it's doing, or the fact that your, your skeleton changes out every seven years perfectly? Like, we have this perfect system, and yet we look outside of ourselves for safety, and security, and for validation, and for love, and all, and all this stuff, and so we're seeing it, and it's loud, and I'm just in this microcosm of this macrocosm, like, I understand it, I see it for what it is, but it doesn't make today any easier. 

I also recognize that part of the reason why it's been so hard leaving this job outside of my fear.  But also knowing why everything is the way it is right now for me. 

I love feeling needed.  I, like, I was talking to my friend Lisa in Australia who is a profound healer. I love her. She was actually a massive part of one of my most recent spiritual awakenings, which I'll talk about later.  But, hey Lisa.  Because I know she listens.  Ugh.  I realized that the role that I've played in my life, so one of my gifts, one of the reasons why I'm on the planet right now, specifically for a sole purpose, is because of my ability to harmonize energies. 

I, growing up,  all, like, I played this role so flawlessly. I'm the oldest in my family. I have two other sisters.  I grew up in a family where, like, my dad, amazing man, I love him so much, and he  Would be his rage was terrifying, you know, and I found out how to read energy through these experiences so that I could help  shape it and redirect it.

I would help change the situation by holding space for people to process. Like, I intuitively taught myself how to do this when I was a child and growing up. Like, I learned how to balance energies in a way where I could make people laugh, because laughter is one of the fastest ways to shift your energetic state.

So you're welcome for that. The next time you're in a shitty mood, maybe that's what I should do tonight is watch something funny. Like, dang.  Um,  I say um a lot, whoa, or not, maybe I say it every now and again, who knows.  I learned that, and I know that I, one of the things that I can do is I can listen so I can hear things, specifically I can hear your unconscious mind.

That's why, one of the reasons why people choose me is because I can hear the root of their unconscious beliefs. I can help them get to those things so that they can look at that, love it. and release it and shift into a more empowering belief state,  belief state, belief system, right? A holistic system that supports you, that's rooted in love and not in lack or guilt or fear any or like unworthiness, you know, like we shift that. 

But I learned that I harmonize. And so here I am trying to find harmony. But one of the things that I have done outside of becoming. Um, Overcompensating with my empathy because I can really feel people's emotions is that I loved and not loved it became a burden obviously, but I would  Like, the amount of times I have helped people because they didn't have money in their account to eat.

And I'm not, like, I feel weird saying that out loud because I don't want, I don't know how, I don't know what I think about that. I don't want people to think, like, I'm just out here giving away money all the time. But I've, I've always been that for people. Like,  I can, I have so many specific memories of people needing help and then they come to me, or they unleash their burdens on me, or they treat me a certain type of way, and they're mean to me because they know that I can see it, like, they know I couldn't hold the space for it, but I'm the target, you know? 

I get it, but I, like, I have taught myself that the way that I am worthy and valuable is if I'm needed. And I know I'm not the only one who walks that path, but, like, if I'm needed, I have a place. If I'm needed, I'm safe and loved. And I know, like, at a At a higher perspective, it's not true because I was born whole, worthy, and enough just as I am as a being of source of the all that is, right?

Like, I know that, but there is still a belief here, which is why it's been a struggle with this job because I'm like, listen, I'm My skillset is phenomenal. People love working with me. I literally, you guys, I make the culture so much better, I swear to you. Like, I know why I'm there because of the energy that I emit, because I see the way that people interact with me.

I see how I change the tone for their day. I'm told all the time, I can't wait to be in a meeting. Like, you're the reason why Thursdays are so great for me. Like, all of this stuff, I get high remarks. Like, I help my team. I do all this stuff, man, and it's because I'm needed. And if I'm needed, I'm valued, and if I'm valued, I'm worthy, and if I'm worthy, I'm safe, right?

Like, I get all my needs met by being needed. Isn't that a bizarre thing? And yet that's exactly what we're taught, right? Like,  So what would it mean if I wasn't needed? Like, that's my work right now. If I wasn't needed, then what? Then what? You know? Then what? Shit, like,  ugh.  And I don't have an answer for that yet,  but there's a part of me that's like, what if no one was really needed and they just were?

What if What if that, what if you were just you? And what if that was just inherently valuable and worthy? Because it's the truth of all of us, but we've been conditioned with these specific beliefs that lock us into these tiny little boxes and these little ways of looking and living. Looking at the world and living through the world, I guess, you know, so it's just like I'm processing all this stuff And I appreciate you like I had a fear of sharing in this way because I'm like well What if people's entire energy is dropped because of me?

What if I change the course of their day and it wasn't for the better because I'm always wanting to plant seeds of love and expansion because I I  really believe it's so pivotal right now in our life, like at this time, at this time of consciousness expanding. And yet here I am also saying I carry the weight of the world and that I have to be this certain type of way in order for people to have, you know, to love themselves and to feel good about themselves and to have brightness in their day.

Like why can't I also be the storm? Why can't I be the chaos? Why can't I be the darkness? And also knowing like that is. Part of being whole, you know,  so  thank you for listening  and while this isn't like totally Resolved  I'm in the process of unwinding a lot of shit and that's probably why it's coming up for me and why it hit me so hard today because I Want what I want and I know why I want it and I'm clear on the value that I bring And I keep being met with certain things, and I'm being given them so that I can heal the pattern of believing that I'm only valuable if I'm needed. 

And I know that I'm not the only one. So, if that's you,  be compassionate with yourself,  relax a little.  The world isn't all that serious, even though we're being shown that it is. And I'm saying all this because they're words I need to hear. Maybe go take Epsom salt bath, because I need to do that. Cut some cords, like my friend Lisa told me.

Also, she runs Energy at Health.  I'll link her below. She's phenomenal. My, she is such a phenomenal channel. Oh, and Energy, we're, holy shit.  Also, I'm very lucky. So,  look at the beauty in your life, the pockets of love and light, because again, where you focus your attention, you expand it energetically, and your words are building blocks for life.

And honor the shadows and the darkness, because they're parts of you, as they are parts of me. So here's to honoring your wholeness. I love you. I'm so grateful for you.  Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful, magical day.