The edge of receiving

I thought it was just a small moment … until I realized it wasn’t. 😅

And once I saw what was actually happening, I couldn’t go back to moving the same way. This is a story from Nassau, and the moment that made me see myself differently.

What we're exploring:

• The moment I said no … and didn’t realize what I was actually turning away from. 
•  What happened after a stranger offered me something I didn’t think I could take. 
•  The split second that showed me where I still believe there’s a limit. 
•  How I walked into something I couldn’t see … and why it mattered. 
•  The most humbling 5 minutes of my life (featuring a boundary and a bird 🫠). 
•  Why I couldn’t stay in my body when I was being seen. 
•  The unexpected moment that made me question what I’m actually available for.
•  The subtle way I realized I’ve been deciding what I’m “allowed” to have. 
•  A moment inside a luxury store that had nothing to do with money. 
•  What changed when I stopped trying to move past the feeling. 
•  The difference between being in the moment and letting it reach you. 
•  Why the smallest interaction stayed with me more than anything else. 
•  The moment I stopped running ... and something else opened within me. 👀

Transcript

Ashley Mondor: 

Hello, Hello? Hello, Hello!! Ooh, how are you? How are you doing? I just came back from vacation and I am just, whew, I gotta do that more. Okay. You really, we really, oh, what a lie that we are sold, that we can only have so many days on vacation. I wanna go on more vacations, I wanna be more present in new places and meeting new people and learning their stories and eating new foods and having new views and perspectives and things and it's just, ugh.

And I also can do that here where I live. Right. I think that so often it's like, oh, well a vacation is when you go to a different place. But there are so many places you could probably explore right where you are. New places, new restaurants, new bookstores, new cafes, new, all those things. So, uh, it was really interesting because before I went on my trip, my mom got me a new deck, a new Oracle deck, and it was from a creator who primarily focused on Lumeria and.

I was very excited about going to The Bahamas. I was in Nassau because I had heard Bashar say that part of Atlantis. Was in The Bahamas and I was like, oh my God, am I gonna feel anything? I hope I do. I hope I do. And what was most fascinating is while I did take a whole week off of TikTok, 'cause I just needed space from it, I also tried to take time away from Threads, which is my favorite place, and Instagram and things like that.

But I also needed to share a few pictures. You know, I had to share a few pictures because I got to hold baby pigs. I got to hold them. They're little bellies. Do you understand? Little pig bellies. I, I had no idea. And I got to feed iguanas lettuce, watching their little mouths and watching how they like scurry away.

That was the best. And I got to walk on these softest sand. We went to an island, we took an eight hour boat tour. I had no idea it was gonna be eight hours. But usually I just like jump into things that my family plans, 'cause I trust them and this. Ooh, the, the water was turquoise blue and it was incredible and so beautiful.

And also during our bow tour, it rained and the contrast was absolutely mind blowing because it only made the water look even bluer. It was like, what? This is real. So we took that boat tour and we went to an island where. It's like the island of pigs or something. And the people who moved there, they wanted to start a farm and then they were like, we gotta have piggies.

And then they have a lot of piggies and I got to hold baby pigs and I got to feel their little tummies and I got to tell them how beautiful they were and how much I love them and you know, got to feed 'em carrots and things, which was fun. People like swim with the pigs. That's cool. Also, kind of terrifying.

I just needed a little space. I needed, you know, just to be on dry land. Uh, and then we got two pet nurse sharks in this other island and people could hold them or whatever in the water. And I was a little bit spooked about that, so I didn't do that, but I did, you know, almost get knocked over by their tails 'cause they're really freaking strong.

And I got to feel what they feel like, like their skin, which was so cool. And I told them how much I love them and how grateful I was in my mind, obviously. 'cause I'm around other people and they probably think that I'm crazy and maybe I should have done it anyway. But I did tell them from my heart and then feeding iguanas and things like that and giving them little lettuce.

Bites and watching the way their mouth looks or their eyes look and how their talents are, and then the way they scurry off and it's just like, gosh, that was so cool. And also 'cause it was again like raining and we were on a speedboat and that was a whole thing. And getting pelted by ice chunks and my eyes and I was like, oh my God.

But I loved it. I loved every second of it, even though I was shivering at parts. I loved it. We also stopped at an island where. I don't know how to quite say this, but like you step on the sand and the sand feels like what I think the softest clay is when you're throwing like pottery or like Oh. Like flour when you're kneading dough.

I don't even know, but feeling my feet there. Oh my God, I just, I could have stayed there all day. I couldn't have, because if the boat went away without me, that would be a problem. And I only had only so much sunscreen, you know? But what are you gonna do? So one of my nights, I think the second, the second night I was there, I asked out loud.

Because I was sitting by myself, which I did every single night. Every single night. I sat outside by the ocean, by myself, and I loved it. I loved it because there's nothing like listening to the ocean and looking up at the stars. I do not take that for granted. That makes me so. So happy. So I asked out loud if I could connect with my higher self and my higher self would connect me to like maybe a benevolent being, galactic being.

And, and so the next night it was really cool because I was sitting there outside looking up at the stars and there was some light pollution 'cause it's NASA and we're by this like huge, huge luxury resort. Uh, 'cause we were in, in, in Airbnb and. I saw this beautiful star and I was like, oh my God, you are.

And I was like, good, star, star, star. I was like, star, you are God. You are gorgeous. And just, just admiring the way that it's like was. And then I saw that there was a teeny little star like way, way, way clearly. Way farther and off into the distance. And I just was admiring it, thinking like, wow. And I was watching satellites fly by it and all of that stuff, and, and the next thing I knew that star vanished, it just turned its light off or whatever.

And I knew I wasn't making it up because it was so bright in comparison to the teeny little star that it was by. And also the satellites that were moving all around it. And I was like, no fricking way did I just watch that. I just sat there with like my mouth open and probably collecting like teeny mosquitoes, which later ate up most of my body.

I was more mosquito than human, but I just, I was really grateful for that experience and oh, it's 3 33. As I say that bad bing bad, boom. Hey, hey, hey. Okay, but I have such a story for you. And I learned so much from this very specific moment. So what was interesting is. We, Nikolai and I, we would walk the beach to this luxury resort mainly 'cause it was like a 15 minute, 20 minute walk and you could walk the beach and feel the sand.

And I liked watching all of the little kids run in and out of the ocean and scream and yell and, you know, like make sand castles and things and giggle. I just, ugh. I love that for them. I loved watching people lounge in their chairs and you know, read books and talk with each other and stuff. I just found it to be so charming.

And, but we were also by this like really massive luxury resort and this like to stay there is like $800 a night, you know? And it was also interesting because this spot. It had like water. There were pools everywhere and they had multiple restaurants and even like pop-up restaurant shops and things, kind of like food trucks.

And it's called Baja Mar, I think. Yeah. And so all of that is outside, and then on the inside it's a luxury. It is. It's a casino in there and it's like. Rolex has a store in there and they have pop-up beverage stands for people who wanna get drunk and or sip on something that makes 'em feel good. And I was also just watching people come in and out.

And the types of people who were staying there, right? Like what are the types of clothes they're wearing? What are the conversations they're having? Which sounds kind of creepy in hindsight as I say this, but I was just sitting there in the shade, just watching people joyfully relax and be on vacation and things like that.

And I was noticing, you know, like. The polos people were wearing, or the labels they were wearing with the fancy designer things, or I mean, even to the plastic surgery and stuff, which was interesting, right, because I, I don't really see that often, but to see it in such a concentrated way in this space, I thought was fascinating and, and.

What's so interesting is like on my first day there with Nikolai, we walked the beach. We went to that resort because there was a cafe that we found, and it's like a little French cafe. I think it's Cafe Madeline or Madeline. Oh, I don't know. You may hear my cat meowing 'cause he has things to say mainly that he is hungry.

'cause he's always hungry even though he's well fed multiple times a day. But what are we gonna do? Uh, we went to get a bagel and I was so excited because I got this. This bagel with blueberry cream cheese and it was a berry bagel and, and it was the softest bagel I have ever had in my whole life. The softest fricking bagel.

I didn't even know they could make 'em that soft. And I thought to myself, 'cause I'm 36, uh, I went 36 years of life not knowing that bagels could be this way. And as I'm biting it and eating it and watching people walk by and they're so happy and things like that. And I'm sitting under the shea 'cause I'm pale with Nikolai and we're just like drinking our drinks and stuff like that.

As I'm eating, it's like I'm eating rocks and I'm like, what? What is this? And as I'm chewing, I realize that one of my fillings in my back left molar broke off. And I ate some of my own teeth and then the pain started and I could tell that this was sensitive to heat and cold and pressure of any kind, and that was on the very first full day that we were there.

So I had to learn how to eat on the other side and be very present and intentional with what was happening. And so that was fun. For me specifically, and before I get into this deeper, I just wanna set like the stage for you. Growing up, my family, we did not have money. My dad would work maybe two to three jobs to make, make ends meet so that we could play sports or pay the bills or have food on the table.

And. My mom and dad were divorced, and so my parents would have us on different times or whatever, whatever, weekends. And my mom worked for this CEO who didn't pay her on time. So we would have, you know, like we would have money and she would pay the bills and then like I would be in the shower. And this happened.

Truly, I was in the shower and the lights, the electricity was cut. Because she wasn't paid on time and that means she couldn't pay the bill on time. And, and like one of the things my mom did that I just thought was so brilliant, and I didn't know it at the time as a child, but now as an adult, I thought it was so smart, is when she would have us and she didn't have money and she was trying to stretch to make things work.

'cause she had three daughters. We would have these things called silly suppers. And it was where she would pull whatever she could out of the fridge if it was leftovers or if it was stuffing or crackers and cheese. And she would dim the lights and she would play beautiful music and she would get us a bottle of sparkling apple juice and she would pour them in her fanciest flutes.

And we loved it. We felt so. Special. I always, always looked forward to silly suppers, and now I know, I'm like, wow, God, I can only imagine how scary that was for you. But for us, it was everything because it was the moment, it was the intention, it was playful, and how brilliant that was for my mom and then for my dad for vacations.

You know, we couldn't travel places. We couldn't fly out, right? We couldn't go to like by us. Um, in the Midwest there's Wisconsin des. That wasn't even a thought, that wasn't an option. But we didn't know that, you know, so our vacations, we would go to my aunt's cabin in Wisconsin, which was a bit of a drive, and that's what we would do in the summers.

When it was like Labor Day or whatever I was gonna say May day. Uh, but that's what we would do. And this originally when we were kids, this cabin was a hundred years old. And that meant like you were going to go to the bathroom in this like porta potty and the porta potty. I hated it. I hated it because it was filled with spiders and it's one thing to be awake.

And or awake. It's one thing to have it be during the day and you're like, okay, fricking whatever you are in the corner there. Or like being afraid that there's gonna be one on the toilet paper. Uh, but at night, you know, and I would try to just hold it because I was like, I can't, I, what do you mean? And you'd have to go outside into this porta potty.

And this cabin is in the middle of the woods, so the spiders are plentiful. You know, and we, at my sisters and I, we would stay in the loft of their garage, not even in the cabin. And again, the garage is in the middle of the woods. And what we loved about this is that you would have to climb up a ladder to get into the loft.

And up there, there was like an Atari, if you've ever played that. Not Nintendo, in Atari with a joystick and everything. And we would play. Uh, that one game where the frog has to cross the road or you would be like, oh God, what was that one where you're like running and jumping across pits and trying to like swing across the jungle and just not die, you know?

And that's what we would do. And I vividly remember, we had our sleeping bags, and in my sleeping bag, I went to unzip it and open it to get in for the night. And a massive. Massive black spider came crawling out of it. And I was like, I can't sleep in here. I can't sleep in this bag of death. I can't sleep.

And then you feel the spiders all around you, even though they're not there. Right. Because you're hyper aware and there's like little pin pricks and you're like, that's a spider. For sure. Like, I, I pray like I probably am not gonna make it tomorrow. So I love everyone, you know, and, and that was our vacation.

And it was great, and we had no idea, you know. And we had like, we had the best bonfires and it was mainly just being together, listening to the breeze and the trees and getting to look at the sun on the lake and getting to go tubing. We, we totally got to go tubing, which was so fun. Water tubing, which is also a crazy thing to do when you're like hurdling through time and space trying to like grip onto this tube as you're getting splashed with water and then you're out in the wake and you're like, God, I could die out here.

And I remember one of, one of my very first. One of my very first memories I learned how to handle fear was I would start singing to myself and my brain, like mentally inside. I would just start singing songs so that I didn't have to feel how afraid I was of being on this tube. Because if, what if, and I swear to you, what if I fly out of this tube?

I land in the water on a dead fish. That was my fear. Let me tell you. I actually manifested that fear and the song didn't help any. So that was my youth. I didn't grow up with money at all. And it's partially why when I was offered a six figure salary in my last corporate job, it was such a big deal because I thought that if I had that, that meant I was successful, that I could buy all the things and that I could be a living blessing for others, and I could share money in a way that would make an impact in, in ways that made me feel just like powerful.

So flash forward to. Now, right where I go on this vacation in The Bahamas and we're there with my family, my aunt, my uncle, my cousins, and Nikolai. And we are staying at a very big Airbnb because my aunt, my uncle make Buku bucks. They work in the financial industry and banking in the economy really like, um, both came from nothing.

They came, they came from. From really like poverty man, and like my aunt would be given her dinner and it was a can of green beans and she had to start working at like 15 to be able to afford groceries for her mom and herself. And my uncle again, like he had, he struggled. Um, I don't wanna share a story 'cause it's not my story, but I'm just saying they, both of them came from nothing and because they came from literal nothing, they decided to really go after it.

And so they went and they got multiple degrees and now they're in these. Jobs with like really, really big highly responsible jobs in a financial sector, you know, like that. That's what it is. And so part of the way of them not only like taking care of their family and going on vacations is that they allow us to come and they, they invest in the Airbnb so that we can stay in a beautiful spot and then we, you know, we will buy groceries and we'll buy our plane tickets out and all that stuff, but it's one of the ways that they share their wealth and I am so grateful.

Because of them. I have been to places like Iceland where I've gotten to go whitewater rafting in a canyon above. Melt water from glaciers. You know, I've, I've eaten thousand year old ice chips in Iceland and we have gone to New Zealand and we've gone rafting on the clearest water in between mountains.

Just things that I, I can't, like what? And I am so grateful because I know what it is like to not have money. And so we're sitting in this beautiful Airbnb and Nikolai and I, we have a room where you can see the ocean and you can hear the ocean, and it's just so beautiful. And I'm just, I'm basking in it because it's like, wow, I am so lucky to be here with the love of my life, you know?

And getting to make new memories with him and with my family, and getting to really soak up just the beauty of what Nassau has to offer. Which is so funny because right, we are in this beautiful Airbnb, and yet all these other people, they're at this luxury resort. And in this resort, again, there's like, there's a casino and there's high-end stores and all of that stuff.

And, and I, I love that for them, right? Like their family is doing this. And so one of the days after the bagel, debauchery, debauchery, debacle, bagger, oh my God, I almost made it a thing. Bagel debacle. Oh, I did it. Wait, how fast can you say it? Bagel. Debacle. Oh my god. So fast. Okay. Oh my brain. It's beautiful.

So this is part, this is the story I wanted to bring to you because I learned so much from it. There was a French cafe way, way far into this beautiful resort. Oh my God. My cat's about to go to the bathroom in the litter box right now. That is not the vibe girl. But I understand because you gotta do what you gotta do.

Okay, so there's a French cafe, I think it's called Cafe Madeline. And you walk in and in the morning, oh my God, it is so busy. The, the line's out the door. And in there they have these, like everything is marble and pinks and whites and blacks and like black colors. And there are like these trees on these tables and they look like cherry blossom.

So pink is the color, the accent color. And you can see like. It's just beautiful. The attention to detail is just so beyond, and it's also like resort pricing and things like that. And they have this French music playing in the background and all of their baristas and the people working there were these beautiful aprons.

Right? And so it's just a vibe. And we, like I, they have like things like red velvet lattes. Okay. And just, ugh, it's so good. So I. The first time I went there, I got a red velvet latte in in my bagel, which was so rude to me. But I had to go back. Do you know why I had to go back? Because you walk through the line and mind you, these people, they're beautiful and they have these like gorgeous pajamas, silky pajamas, or like the most fashionable bathing suits I've ever seen in my life, right?

Everyone's on their phone, so they're all craning their neck to look down 'cause they. Stand being in line and I'm just watching everyone. 'cause I'm really curious of how people interact with each other, with the barista, with their phone, things like that instead of being with each other, whatever that is.

No judgment, whatever. People are living their life. So you get to a point where they have this glass display before you get to the people who will take your order. And in one glass display is. Like croissant chocolate croissants. I got a blueberry crumble, which I have no idea what that is, but it had like just the best freaking blueberries in it and there was like this icing on it and I, oh, I ate the whole thing 'cause I needed it.

But in the other case was a whole thing of different flavors of gelato and I saw this deep. Deep green pistachio gelato that I, I needed it, I had to go back for it. So Nikolai and I, we wait in line and I'm pumped, man, because this is like, this is my mission. My personal mission now is that I'm getting this pistachio, gelato, like I'm, I'm not leaving this island without it.

So I walk up and this wonderful barista starts taking my order and he's like, what can I get for you? And so I was like, can I please get the pistachio gelato? And he was like, okay, well would you like one scoop or two? And I was like, one. And he was like, okay, I've got you. And then he rung me up and I panicked and I was like, oh my God.

Wait, what if I need to, what? I'm so sorry, but like, what if I need two scoops? Because I'm thinking, well, what if I don't come back here again? And. He looks at me and he goes, it's okay. I've got you. And so he goes and we wait in like outside of the line or whatever, and he comes over and he gives me my, my gelato, but he actually gave me two scoops, so I got one for free.

And I looked at him and I was like, so elated because are you serious right now? That's so nice. And he locked eyes with me again and with a smile. He was like, let me know if you'd like a third scoop. And I looked at him and I was like, oh, oh, no, thank you. And I, it was immediate. I said, no, and I said no, because I was afraid of being seen as greedy.

So I am on cloud nine. Okay. I thank him. We leave, we're walking through the casino. We're walking. You know, on the outskirts of these like luxury stores or whatever, and I see that Cartier is there and there is a ring that I have always wanted from Cartier, but I have never allowed myself to buy it.

Because of the price point. And, and, and like my philosophy, my living philosophy has been, I will always invest in myself mainly through knowledge. And so that's, I have over a hundred thousand dollars of investment in certifications and continuing programming and, um, learning and sharpening and refining my skills and all of that stuff.

So I am, I'm not like, I haven't ever poured into jewelry or clothing. And so we walk by as I'm eating my gelato thinking like, my God, my life is so sweet. It's so beautiful. Like, are you kidding me? This man gave me a free scoop of ice cream. Like, what are you talking about? That is so cool. And I see, and I don't know what compels me, but in the Glass case at Cartier is this gorgeous, gorgeous necklace and it is literally like.

I, I have never seen something so beautiful, and I get closer and closer and closer, and then my face slams into the glass outside of Cartier, my face. Slammed into the glass outside of Cartier. And the moment I hit it, I realized like my bell had wrong, baby. I stepped back in kind of like a haze. I feel so embarrassed.

I'm trying to like, oh my God, collect myself. People fricking saw this, people saw me hit my whole face on this glass like a moth to a fricking flame. And you know what Nikolai did? Nikolai because he was so shocked after watching this and hearing me, hearing my skull hit the glass. He says out loud, as people are watching me unconsciously, he says, did you just miss the door?

He said it so loud. What do you mean? I thought you loved me. I thought you loved me. Ugh. So I'm crying. I'm literally looking at him like, like I am fricking in the special ops or whatever, like motioning him to just walk. I'm using my hand. I'm like pointing to the, the door, like get away as fast as humanly possible.

I'm trying to be just invisible. I literally, I'm crying and laughing at the same time because I'm so rattled, I'm so embarrassed, and. Nikolai at the same time as I'm like walking as fast as humanly possible. He's like, you did you know that the sales associate saw you? And I'm like, I just, I'm dying inside, sir.

I thought, I thought you were gonna be with me, but here you are. And he's crying so much that he gets sunscreen in his eyes. And part of me was like, well, that's a little bit of a karma if I'm gonna be, you know, 'cause like, you know, my inner child in me is embarrassed and I'm like, Hmm, ouch. That hurt.

Maybe it hurts a little for you too, you know? And so we're walking outside and as part of this resort, we actually found Nikolai and I, this really cool area that's tucked away under these beautiful tropical trees and palm trees and all this stuff. There's just a little seating area and no one happened to be there.

So that felt really great for me because, you know, I'm like licking my wounds here and. I'm sitting there as I'm recounting with him and he's trying to get the sunscreen out of his eyes. I'm thinking about and telling him like, oh my God. I literally became one with that glass for a split second, and I'm feeling my head and it feels like a literal unicorn horn is forming from where my, my face met that.

Moment, and he's crying again. And I'm sitting there like with tears in my eyes because ouch. And all of a sudden, I kid you not a bird blesses me from its bowels. Why? And I looked at Nick line, I was like, put, like I am literally a nice person. And I know in some cultures they believe that when a bird, you know.

Blesses you in that way, that it is actually a blessing. But I sat there just like, what else? What else is gonna happen? Okay. Because I have not only lost my whole sense of dignity and grace or whatever in front of all these people at the casino, at Cartier, you know, whoever else watch me slink away as fast as humanly possible, but this bird's gonna do this to me, you know?

So I gather my bearings and I reflect on like, hmm. I basically disassociated from my body. I try to move as fast because the feelings were too big. It was way too big to be seen by all these people and like especially a luxury spot. Like what? Just because I was so enthralled by something beautiful that I was like, you know what?

I'm gonna take my power back. Hmm. And I decide that we're gonna go back. Like the next day, and we're gonna go back because obviously I need another latte in a bagel. Okay. Because I need that. 'cause I loved it. And also because I wanted to write a TripAdvisor review for the man who gave me, you know, that extra scoop because he was delightful.

And I want him to be seen, especially Entrepr trip advisor, like, go visit this dude, you know? So we walked back the next day to get this fancy latte and this delicious bagel. And he and that barista, he walked up to me and he was like, ah, welcome back. And I sat there and I was like, wait, you remember me?

And I just, I felt so special. And he was like, oh, did you place your order already? And I was like, I did thank you. And he was like, well, what did you get? And I, so I told him and then, um, he's like, oh, you know what? I'll go get that for you. And I thought, wow. Thank you. And before he walked away, I was like, Hey, could you give me your name because I wanna write a TripAdvisor review about you, about how much I appreciate our interaction and stuff.

And he was like, okay, I'll go get that and I'll be back. So he goes, grabs my latte, grabs my bagel, and brings me a card with his name, Tamar on it. And he also gave me a scoop of that pistachio gelato. And I just, I felt an immense amount of love in my heart in that moment because he gave that to me for free, because he wanted to.

And so I'm sitting there just like in awe of, wow, thank you. So I'm eating it. And then Nikolai and I walk back and because I'm owning this moment now, we walk up to Cartier to see that my face imprint is still literally on the glass. They didn't even clean the glass. You can see my forehead and my nose because of the oil on my skin and the sunscreen.

What are you talking about? You can see right where I hit, right where I was looking at this necklace. So we giggled about it and I wanted to walk away because I was like, oh my God. But then I decided in that moment I'm rewriting this story and I choose. To walk into that store, which I have never done before.

I have never walked into any place of luxury like that because it's been out of my reach. It's not something that people like me do, right. But I decided, no, I choose. I choose this moment. I'm rewriting it. So I walk in and this beautiful saleswoman greets me from behind the counter and she was like, oh, why are you here today?

And I was like, you know, there's a ring that I've always wanted. And I wanted to try it on and I wanted to see how it feels and things like that. And she was delighted. So she walked over, led me over to the counter, and she asked me what size my ring finger or whatever finger was that I was gonna wear.

And I was like, I don't know, let's start with like a eight or whatever. And so she pulls out this golden ring I tried on and it's beautiful. And then I was like, oh, actually, can I try on the rose gold one because I'm fair skinned, but you know, whatever. I'm working with these things. Do I like rose gold?

Do I like gold? Okay. And I tried on and I sit with it and it was so interesting because as I'm looking at these rings on my finger and just feeling the moment of what it means for me to be here now, something I've never done before, something that I'm reclaiming my power from. You know, I'm literally standing by people who are actively in the process of buying 10 to $20,000 worth of jewelry.

Like it's nothing like this is the vacation that they're on, and it's like, it almost feels like something that they just do and they're trying on these necklaces and these bracelets and they're asking for different goal to try on or platinum, and, and I'm sitting there like, what? And so again, I like, I, I listen to them and then I come back to me now in my body, in my body, and I'm noticing how the, the different golds are on my skin and how heavy the rings felt.

Which by the way, for something that's like two to $6,000 worth of metal, it didn't feel heavy and I really thought it would feel heavy on my finger and it did not. And I was, um, also really letting myself look at the price tag. But from a place of peace, seeing all of those zeroes, right, and just being okay with it and really normalizing the experience.

And so I took the rings off and I thanked her and I said, I'm gonna come back for these one day. And then we left the store and I left feeling extremely proud to be me in that moment. And so I, you know, it's been obviously a few days since this has happened and I've been reflecting on this experience, and so I wanted to share some of my reflections because a number of people, like a number of people on the planet are working through abundance things because of our programming and conditioning.

And, and as someone who hasn't grown up with money, luxury wasn't a thing and. Like to have really, really quote unquote nice things like quality things. It wasn't, we just needed like, like my favorite when I played softball, my favorite glove that I had, 'cause I played first base, my favorite glove was, was a brand new glove that my dad saved up for.

I still have that glove, you know? Otherwise we went to play it against sports because that's what we had access to. So I'm just articulating again, like I did not come from money. So, as I was thinking about this experience where I literally left a part of myself at Cartier,

I also noticed how when I went to get ice cream that first time, I, I actually blocked myself from receiving that third scoop of something that I really loved. And it was, it's like almost like I was pre rejecting what was already on its way to me if I freaking wanted it. And also like walking into that invisible boundary of that glass showed me the exact, like, the exact place where, where I believed that there was a barrier.

You know? Like why didn't I just walk through the door? Granted. I learned actually in this process that what had happened with me is called aesthetic arrest. Have you heard of that? It was coined by James Joyce and, um, I guess popularized by Joseph Campbell. And what aesthetic arrest is, is a state when the analytical mind goes quiet in the presence of great beauty and where pure feeling pulsates through the body.

Ugh. It feels really good to have language around that. Okay, so outside of being aesthetically arrested. To the point where I lost all awareness and consciousness. I also was reflecting on how like that bird blessing actually felt like a complete ego disruption or like a, a pattern interrupt to snap me out of the embarrassment.

Me playing that experience in a loop because that's what I was doing. I just kept replaying. I slammed into the glass in front of all these people and they watched me and of all places, it's this like luxury spot where these things are so beautiful for something that I've really wanted for like so long.

And also it's snapped me out of like, well, there are things that you cannot control, like nature, right? Like I can't control the bird blessing me from its bowels. What are you talking about? And then also like getting to go back to Cartier because I decided that I belong where I desire, I belong where I desire because nothing changed outside of me.

Right. You know? The barista was still at that French cafe and he was still being generous because that's part of who he is. And Cartier obviously didn't change because they didn't even clean my face off that glass. But I decided that I belonged in the moment I was already in. And so to me, through this process, I'm learning that luxury is truly the little things for me.

It's the way that you're treated and cared for when the person loves their job, and how that actually asks you to be seen in a way that you specifically desire, meaning someone who has the energy to hold that experience without running away or shrinking because you personally feel worthy and like allowing yourself to feel worthy of being held with care.

Presence and intention. Someone who can take up space because they choose it. And there's also this thing to me about the presence that you hold when something you feel is valuable or meaningful. And I have pockets of this in my life and I'm, I'm learning how to expand in order to hold more presence.

But if that isn't so true. Because there are moments or pockets of your life that you remember because you were pure presence, because it was so valuable, so surprising, so beautiful, so magical, so meaningful to your heart that you wish you could have just slowed time down even more like when Nikolai proposed to me in the National Botanical Gardens of Ireland and I just wanted to, I wanted to stop time.

I wanted to be right there forever with him. You know, like, ugh, or the first time I got to hug my sister after not seeing her for a while, and how she just, I felt her holding me so hard that she started shaking a little and how happy she was.

It's the presence you hold when something you feel is valuable or meaningful, and those moments happen all the time. You are the one who chooses where your presence goes, and you also choose what's valuable or meaningful for you. Right. Which is partially one of the things that I speak with about my clients is like, look for the beauty.

Look for the good, the magic, the things that make you feel in awe. You are the one who chooses what that feels like, what that looks like, and like, really, oh, just take it in And, and to that point, it's like, to me luxury is. Your ability to be able to slow time down in a way where you can really take in and savor the details.

And those details don't matter to everyone. You know, like my cousins grew up with money, they have never not known money. My, my cousin, I think she's 15, she's about to get a brand new Bronco. What do you mean? My first car was a freaking green Ford Taurus, and the door barely shut in the winter. Like, and she's getting a brand new Bronco.

They get to go to the Maldives in Dubai and all of these things, they, they don't know financial hardship and, and what that means. But I know what it means to really, really, really appreciate the little things and to allow myself to just be like, wow. The ocean is right here. What do you mean the ocean is right here?

And you can see all the stars out here. What? Oh, and I think also to me, luxury is how you allow the experience to feel indulgent within you. You know, like that pistachio gelato was decadent. And, and like I had a teeny little spoon with it, so I could have many multiple spoonfuls of it, and it was like velvet.

I'm eating it and I can taste like a little bit of the nut flavor, and I'm really like living for this green color. Mm. And the reason why I love the green so much is because one of my most favorite scenes of all time is from the movie hook. If you watch this right, with Robin Williams, the part where they have that feast and all of the, the boys or whatever are sitting around this table and they're just, you know, they're, they're actually.

Hungry and it's magical and all of the food is out there and they're these most magnificent, glorious like colors. And you're like, what? I want to eat that hyper pink thing. Like what is that navy blue, whatever. And they're just eating it and enjoying it. And you're like, whoa. And that pistachio gelato was like that for me.

And it felt indulgent, not, not necessarily because of the prices, but because that man, Tamar. Was so generous that he wanted to make my visit there special, and he really did. He made me feel seen and cared for. And when he said, welcome back with like such a warm smile, whoa, whoa. I wanna be around people who love life because to me that is a luxury.

I wanna be around people who love what they do because their energy is different when they're doing the thing. When they're doing what they're doing. There were other baristas there that I met who they didn't seem delighted to be there. It was just a paycheck, but not for Tamar. Tamar took time out of his day, you know, and that's a luxury to me.

And I think also luxury is, is found in the stories that you have when you're fully present.

I could have just said, Hey, I stopped by Cartier, you know what I'm saying? And whatever. I tried on a ring and I was like, oh, I'm gonna come back for this. But actually there's so much more to it because of what I took in from that, because I, I sat and I reflected on it and I was like, wow, I actually really move fast when there are big emotions in my body.

I didn't know that. You know, but now I have a whole story about abundance and receivership and growing your awareness and like not having control and what it feels like in my body and to be here in me now and to hold it all really to hold the embarrassment and the delight for what's coming to hold the pleasure of that ice cream.

And to be held into Mar's Sight, you know, like, because he remembered me. What? And so if I'm being honest, you know. This whole thing really wasn't about free ice cream or like the Bird Blessing or Cartier's 2000 plus dollars ring or the $60,000 diamond necklace that sparkled in those rais, like, I was gonna say raisins, but it really, I meant Rainbow prisons.

Can you imagine if it was $60,000 of fricking raisins?

I'm gonna wear my

My Raisin necklace.

It was really about, hmm, expanding my capacity to receive in the moment without needing to earn it and allowing myself to stay in my body without running away from whatever feelings come up. Because I can slow down time, I can be more present in my body, and I'm worthy of ex of experiencing and receiving more.

As are you, as are you. And you're worthy of desiring what you desire. Just because you do, and it doesn't mean you're greedy, it doesn't mean anything that you've been conditioned to believe. If you desire something from your heart, it's because you do. And so I wanted to give you a few questions. Only if you feel called, where in your life are you leaving your body when your emotions feel too big?

Where are you softening your desires so you don't have to be seen for wanting more? And where might you be walking up to? Invisible barriers that exist only because a part of you still believes they do. And I just ask you this because it's fun to just notice new things, you know, and maybe. You don't slam into things because for me, I saw myself way more clearly and stayed in my body to consciously choose who and how I wanted to be in that moment.

When I walked through the doors at Cartier, I literally stopped metaphorically running into the glass, and I started walking through doors that were never actually closed. And so I wanted to leave you with this quote from RJ Spina that I had heard while I was coming back from The Bahamas, and it's from his book called The Law of Attention.

And when he spoke this out, I kept listening to it over and over and over again. And then I wrote it down and I put it in my notes app, and then I put it in my notification so that I can see it every single day. And when I came home, it was the first thing I wrote on my post-it notes that I can live. In a way that I can see it every single day on my computer.

He wrote this. The whole point for coming here is to live out your life plan and your dreams as beautifully and as powerfully as you can

because my friend, you are worthy. So I hope you love this. I hope you learn something from me, or if anything, I hope you giggled and I hope that you know that you are worthy of so much more. Even when your brain tries to tell you you're not, even when it tries to ask you to dim yourself or to shrink yourself, or whatever the stories are, knowing that you can rewrite these narratives, you are a powerful creator.

You are worthy of more if you desire it. If you choose it. And that also asks you to expand in more love for yourself, and it asks you to look at the triggers that you have around things like money or the material realm, or people who have money knowing that you are a whole being as you are, and so are those other people, and you are worthy of holding exactly who and what you are when you start to see and love yourself more deeply.

More expansively. So I wanted to leave that with you today. And I just wanna let you know how much I love you and adore you, and I'm so grateful that you exist. You make the world a much better place because you are here now with the light of your heart and your presence. So thank you for being with me, and I hope you have a wonderful magical day.